It’s all I can do right now to just exist. And even that is becoming unbearable. People see me as lazy when I don’t go to work, or leave the house, or get out of bed. But they don’t see how hard it was to just stay alive. To have to constantly negotiate with myself on how or when I should kill myself. Which way is quicker, better for me, better for people who would have to deal with it. Or to get past it. At least for an hour. To convince myself that I can deal with it for another 5 minutes, and maybe if I lay here real still, it won’t hurt so badly to be alive.